Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. ~ Ephesians 4:29 Words can hurt children. The wrong words, the wrong tone and the wrong body language can scar a child emotionally, can shatter a child’s self-image and can even turn him/her into an emotional cripple. You may be thinking that you would never say or do anything that could harm your child in that way. Unfortunately, more often than not, it is done unknowingly. The good thing is, God has given us just what we need in order to take care of His gift to us, our children. Below are some common situations that may require you to respond to your child and how you should respond based on scripture. Some of these can present a challenge especially when things are hectic. But remember, awareness and practice make a big difference. 1. Listen, do not interrupt your child. If you ask your child a question and you don’t like the path it is taking, do not interrupt. Interrupting negates his feelings and if done repeatedly, it could lead to low self-esteem. Afterward, affirm the conversation, but make sure it is sincere and honest.
Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips. ~ Psalm 141:3 2. When you have made a mistake say, “I’m sorry”. This teaches them how to apologize and how to take responsibility for their actions. “I’m sorry” can also serve as words of affirmation for your child. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:32 3. Limit when and how you tease your child. Children don’t think abstractly enough to get sarcasm, which relies on high-level reasoning. And, even the jokes they do get, can internalize them, resulting in negative effects. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. ~ Ephesians 5:4. Avoid worthless, foolish talk that only leads to more godless behavior. ~ 2 Timothy 2:16 4. Don’t overuse the word, “No.” Sometimes you have to say, “No.” However, if you say it too much your child will start to “turn you off.” The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; Proverbs 15:28a 5. Don’t yell or scream. Yelling makes children more aggressive, physically and verbally. Yelling is an expression of anger, scares children and make them feel insecure. Calmness, on the other hand, is reassuring, which makes children feel loved and accepted in spite of bad behavior. A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1-2 6. Eliminate the phrase, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Just think about what this is saying to your child! It sets up a contradiction between your words and your actions which can confuse a child. And it does not help them learn how to make choices. The godly offer good counsel; they teach right from wrong. They have made God’s law their own, so they will never slip from his path. Psalm 37:30-31 7. Don’t pressure him with expectations that are too high. Don’t tell him he will certainly make the team or that he will certainly get an “A” on the test because he studied. Instead, encourage him and after offer the appropriate praise. i.e. “I’m proud of you because you tried out.” Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. Proverbs 12:25 8. Don’t say things like, “you never” or “you always”. Speaking in absolutes is almost like not telling the truth because absolutes are not 100%. Use truthful statements. Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Proverbs 16:24 9. Avoid saying, “Because I said so.” Giving them a reason why something can or can’t be done will help them learn. It is best to be honest with them if there isn’t a reason. Furthermore, the “Because I said so” answer can cause resentment and lead to behavior problems. Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! Proverbs 15:23 10. Don’t exclude your child. If you are around other adults and your child is with you, introduce your child just as you would a friend. This teaches your child how politeness. And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. ~ Titus 2:7 Parents have an awesome responsibility raising children. God left us written instructions to show us how to take care of our children… His gift to us. It is up to us to let God’s Word guide the words we speak to our children.
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Family traditions counter alienation and confusion. They help us define who we are; they provide something steady, reliable and safe in a confusing world. Traditions are usually formed around a person’s core beliefs and support values such as freedom, faith, integrity, a good education, personal responsibility and a strong work ethic. Traditions are based around daily events or holidays, and even around weekdays or weekends, showcasing things that are important to us. Daniel Willingham states, “Family traditions reveal what you value enough to repeat. And, if done with love – build warm, happy associations.” Over time, we have formed a number of family traditions that reveal our values of faith, love and importance of family. They are connected with Christmas, summer vacations and school/sporting events. OUR FAMILY TRADITIONS Just thinking about Christmas brings about sweet memories. I personally kick Christmas off by watching Hallmark Christmas shows…alone. To this day I am teased about watching them. Now, our daughter-in-law joins me. The entire family watch the seasonal movies about the real meaning of Christmas. The Saturday after Thanksgiving we decorate the Christmas tree with ornaments that have meaning… they were made by our children, represent a special event, or was given as a special gift. And, each year we purchase the White House ornament to hang on the tree.
The big Christmas dinner takes place on Christmas Eve. For dessert, we always have a birthday cake that has “Happy Birthday Jesus” written on it and we sing, Happy Birthday to Jesus and the Christmas Eve program at church is always in order. Each family member opens one gift. The gift is always a pair of Christmas pajamas. When the kids were little, I supplied and wrapped the Christmas Eve gift. Now, we have a friend secretly assign each adult a Secret Santa and he/she is responsible for buying the pajamas for that person. The parents buy and wrap pajamas for each of their children. The highlight of the evening is when the gift is opened, starting from youngest to oldest, and the pajamas are modeled. The funny thing is, you never know if your pajamas will be traditional or if they will be a gag gift. It is so much fun and brings about laughter throughout the year. Breakfast is very light on Christmas day and most of the day is spent opening gifts, watching the kids play with their toys and sometimes joining in with them. Throughout it all, we remind each other of the true meaning of the season and why it is important to us. We also have traditions tied to school and sporting events. Some of our friends told us that they would pay their children for receiving good grades. However, Dennis and I believe that the grades were their reward. So, we would look at the report cards, talk about not just the things they did well but discussed how they thought they could improve. We sealed it with a dinner out to celebrate the close of another marking period. For the sporting events, all of us attended if the games did not conflict. If there was a conflict, we would divide up and each child was represented by a family member-cheerleader. And, we would arrange to meet up for lunch or dinner. We spent time at dinner discussing how the games went, what could be done to improve etc. The famous phrase that came out of these games was, “Talk about my game.” And it is a phrase that is still used. Like all families, we look forward to summers and many traditions center around being together and enjoying each other’s company. We gather together for a week or so and a few things are always on the list of “things to do”. One day is set aside for a big water fight using balloons and water guns. Another day we leave early, travel to our favorite amusement park and spend the day on rides, playing games and eating all sorts of junk food and yes, this includes cotton candy. More often than not, we are there until the park closes. Another “must do” is a series of games of laser tag. We go to our local Laser Tag Game Store, and play several very competitive games of Laser Tag. The winner is always photographed and a big deal is made of it. The important thing is that it was a legitimate win. We never wanted the kids to think that they were getting something for nothing. It was never, “Everyone wins” but it was always, “Everyone has a good time.” When we moved out of the area, the first thing the grandchildren asked was, “What about our summer visits? Believe me, the tradition continues with slight modifications even though we live in a different place. From each of these traditions, our children were learning values that were and are still important to us. Daniel Willingham statement is true, “Family traditions reveal what you value enough to repeat. And, if done with love – build warm, happy associations.” Our traditions, are done with love, and has allowed our children and grandchildren to build warm, happy associations with family. “The more you love your children, the more they learn to love others.” Love is a powerful emotion and is necessary in the growth and development of children. Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs lists love after food and security. Studies have shown that love makes your child physically healthier, increases your child’s brain development and it makes your child less fearful and more well-rounded. In fact, all aspects of a child’s development require a foundation of love. The question then is, how do you ensure that your child feels loved? Is telling your child everyday that you love her enough? According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages of Children, “Every child has a primary language of love, a way in which he or she understands a parent’s love best.” Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages are: 1) Physical Touch 2) Words of Affirmation 3) Quality Time 4) Gifts and 5) Acts of Service. Your child will benefit from all five ways of receiving love. However, knowing your child’s primary love language will help you become more effective in meeting her emotional need for love. Each of the five love languages have actions, ways of communicating, as well as things to avoid. The child who’s love language is Physical Touch wants hugs, pats on the back, sitting close, cuddling and even wrestling on the floor. This love language is mostly non-verbal and pleasant facial expressions communicate love to her. Furthermore, is important to avoid corporal punishment and threats with this child. The child who’s love language is Words of Affirmation appreciates receiving written cards and letters. The best way to communicate love to her is to speak encouraging words and compliment her. Emotionally harsh words and undue criticism should be avoided. If your child’s love language is Quality Time, spend extra time with her. Running errands, taking trips, going on walks or even just sitting and talking makes her feel loved. She will enjoy quiet times without interruptions as well as one on one conversations. For this child, avoid too much time with friends or groups and of course, avoid isolating her. If Gifts is your child’s love language, she enjoys both giving and receiving gifts. She remembers special occasions. Private gift giving communicates love to her. Forgetting special events is something to avoid with the child who’s love language is Gifts. A child with the love language of Acts of Service enjoys assisting with chores and helping whenever she can. Communicating love to her is a matter of asking, “What can I do for you?” She also wants to know how she can help you. She feels unloved if you break promises or ignore her. I can’t possibly do justice to the subject of love languages in this BLOG Post. And, because this is such an important subject, I highly recommend The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. There is a survey in the book that will help you discover your child’s love language. It is important to speak all five love languages to your child. However, your child will crave one language more than the others. If you know the primary language and incorporate them all, your child will feel loved and will be able to love others. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. |