Words can hurt children.  The wrong words, the wrong tone and the wrong body language can scar a child emotionally, can shatter a child’s self-image and can even turn him/her into an emotional cripple.  You may be thinking that you would never say or do anything that could harm your child in that way.  Unfortunately, more often than not, it is done unknowingly.  The good thing is, God has given us just what we need in order to take care of His gift to us, our children.

Below are some common situations that may require you to respond to your child and how you should respond based on scripture.  Some of these can present a challenge especially when things are hectic.  But remember, awareness and practice make a big difference.

1.    Listen, do not interrupt your child.  If you ask your child a question and you don’t like the path it is taking, do not interrupt.  Interrupting negates his feelings and if done repeatedly, it could lead to low self-esteem.  Afterward, affirm the conversation, but make sure it is sincere and honest.

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips. ~ Psalm 141:3

2.    When you have made a mistake say, “I’m sorry”.  This teaches them how to apologize and how to take responsibility for their actions.  “I’m sorry” can also serve as words of affirmation for your child.

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:32

3.    Limit when and how you tease your child.  Children don’t think abstractly enough to get sarcasm, which relies on high-level reasoning.  And, even the jokes they do get, can internalize them, resulting in negative effects.  Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. 

Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. ~ Ephesians 5:4. 

Avoid worthless, foolish talk that only leads to more godless behavior. ~ 2 Timothy 2:16

4.    Don’t overuse the word, “No.”  Sometimes you have to say, “No.”  However, if you say it too much your child will start to “turn you off.” 

The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; Proverbs 15:28a

5.    Don’t yell or scream.  Yelling makes children more aggressive, physically and verbally.  Yelling is an expression of anger, scares children and make them feel insecure.  Calmness, on the other hand, is reassuring, which makes children feel loved and accepted in spite of bad behavior.

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  Proverbs 15:1-2

6.    Eliminate the phrase, “Do as I say, not as I do.”  Just think about what this is saying to your child!  It sets up a contradiction between your words and your actions which can confuse a child.  And it does not help them learn how to make choices.

The godly offer good counsel; they teach right from wrong.  They have made God’s law their own, so they will never slip from his path.  Psalm 37:30-31

7.    Don’t pressure him with expectations that are too high.  Don’t tell him he will certainly make the team or that he will certainly get an “A” on the test because he studied.  Instead, encourage him and after offer the appropriate praise.  i.e. “I’m proud of you because you tried out.”

Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.  Proverbs 12:25

8.    Don’t say things like, “you never” or “you always”.  Speaking in absolutes is almost like not  
telling the truth because absolutes are not 100%.  Use truthful statements.

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.  Proverbs 16:24

9.    Avoid saying, “Because I said so.”  Giving them a reason why something can or can’t be done will help them learn.  It is best to be honest with them if there isn’t a reason.  Furthermore, the “Because I said so” answer can cause resentment and lead to behavior problems.

Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!  
Proverbs 15:23
 
10.    Don’t exclude your child.  If you are around other adults and your child is with you, introduce your child just as you would a friend.  This teaches your child how politeness.

And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind.  Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. ~ Titus 2:7



Parents have an awesome responsibility raising children.  God left us written instructions to show us how to take care of our children… His gift to us.  It is up to us to let God’s Word guide the words we speak to our children.

If your child’s love language is Physical Touch, it means physical expressions communicate love to him more than Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts and Acts of Service.  Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, in their book, The 5 Love Languages of Children tell us that in order to keep your child’s emotional tank full, you must speak his primary love language but it is important to use them all.
The body’s physical response to touch and the fact that Jesus healed people by touching them emphasizes to me the importance of touch.  Physical Touch is a universal love language and no other form of communication is as universally understood as touch.  “The compassionate touch of a hand or a reassuring hug can take away our fears, soothe our anxieties, and fill the emptiness of being lonely.” ~Randi G. Fine.

The sense of touch gives our brains information about the environment. It helps us feel physical pain, helps us avoid injury, disease and danger. Touch also signals safety and trust.  If we’re upset, it soothes us and it helps us feel emotion.  Hugs are a powerful way to demonstrate the language of Physical Touch.  In fact, a simple hug can activate oxytocin, the love hormone. Additionally, hugs may protect you against illness, boost your heart health and hugs make you feel happier.  Studies done by Harry Harlow have shown that there is a psychological and physical stunting and even death in children who are deprived of physical contact.  Infants can receive all the food needed to survive but will still fail to thrive if they don’t receive physical contact.  This is why hospitals and orphanages have volunteers hold and cuddle babies who have no one to love them.  The physical contact is needed for them to thrive.

Jesus performed countless miracles and some of them involved touching.  To me, His HEALING TOUCH, emphasizes the importance of touch.  I also want to stress that the person being healed had FAITH and believed Jesus could heal them.  Let’s look at few of them.
Matthew 9:29 Two blind men were following along behind Jesus asking Him to have mercy on them. They went right into the house with Jesus where He was staying.  Jesus asked them if they believed He could make them see.  They both answered, “Yes Lord, we do.” They had faith and Jesus TOUCHED THEM.

Mark 1:41-42 A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus begging to be healed.  He said to Jesus, “If you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.”  Moved with compassion, Jesus reached out His hand and HE TOUCHED HIM.  And the man was healed.
Mark 7:31-36 Someone brought a man with a speech impediment to Jesus and begged Jesus to lay his hands on the man to heal him.  Jesus, spitting on his own fingers, touched the man’s tongue and looking up to heaven, he said, “Be opened.” And the man’s tongue was freed and he was able to speak.  Why?  Because of his faith and because Jesus TOUCHED HIM.

Luke 8:43-48 Jesus was on his way to heal a man’s daughter and as usual, there was a crowd around him.  A woman in the crowd had suffered for 12 years with constant bleeding.  She went up behind Jesus and TOUCHED the fringe of his robe and she was immediately healed, the bleeding stopped.  
Jesus asked, “Who touched me?”  Despite the crowd, Jesus knew that someone had deliberately TOUCHED Him.  The lady explained why she touched him.  And Jesus said that her faith had made her whole.  

Luke 18: 15-17 One day some parents brought their little children to Jesus so he could TOUCH them. But, when the disciples saw this, they scolded the parents for bothering Jesus.

But Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me.  Don’t stop them!  For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children.  I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” He took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and he blessed them.  HE TOUCHED THEM!

Doesn’t it stand to reason then that Physical touch is one of love’s strongest voices?

Unfortunately, there is a sick, dark side to Physical Touch…and that is the inappropriate touch.  Parents you MUST teach children that all touches are not good.  Please, have this discussion with your child.  It is needed in today’s world.  

Margaret Atwood is right, she said, “Touch comes before sight, and before speech.  It is the first language, and the last, and it ALWAYS tells the truth.”  Teach your child to know the TRUTH in a touch.

Think back to your childhood.  Did your parents say, “I love you”?  Did they hug you?  How did you know they loved you?  Was it just because they made sure you were fed, clothed and all of your other need were met?

 I knew that I was loved because my Father, Mother and my Grandmother “spoke” each of the love languages to me.  My primary love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time. I scored the same on both.  Interestingly enough, the fondest memories I have as a child are the times we spent as a family watching Westerns. Every Friday night we sat around watching TV and eating snacks my mom made. To this day, I love Westerns and enjoy them even more when my husband or one of our kids watch them with me. Another fond memory is sitting with my Grandmother during a thunderstorm.  During a thunderstorm everything was turned off and we had to sit quietly.  My Grandmother and I would sit and watch the weeping willow tree in our front yard sway back and forth.  Just sitting with her, watching that huge weeping willow tree sway back and forth spoke my love language…quality time.   I don’t remember hearing the words, “I love you” but they probably were spoken.   The important thing is, I knew I was loved because my primary love language was spoken and ALL the other love languages were met.

As you might imagine, hugs and kisses are the usual and most common way to speak the love language of Physical Touch. If you didn’t receive a lot of hugs growing up, you might feel awkward hugging your children.  And if you do, I suggest you do what is needed to start hugging your child. But, if this is you, while you are adjusting to this new way of speaking your child’s primary love language, there are other ways to show love through Physical Touch.

Other ways to meet your child’s Physical Touch need (you can find a list of needs in the book The 5 Love Languages of Children:
1.     Hold hands
2.     A gentle pat on the back or smoothing the hair down
3.     Hold your child or sit close when watching TV
4.     Read your child a book and let him or her sit on your lap.
5.     Dancing
6.     High five
7.     Tickling

In their book, Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell stress the importance of avoiding corporal punishment and threats with this child.  They suggest using other means of discipline for a child whose primary love language is Physical touch.

Not speaking your child’s Primary love language is like eating just one type of vegetable.  At some point, your body will miss certain nutrients and you will start to crave other foods.  Likewise, if you don’t include your child’s primary love language, he or she will crave it and may even start to act out.

Remember, your child needs you to love him/her using ALL of the love languages.  But, if Physical Touch is his primary language, you want to make sure it is included and used in your tool bag of love.

Traditions are usually formed around a person’s core beliefs and support values such as freedom, faith, integrity, a good education, personal responsibility and a strong work ethic.  Traditions are based around daily events or holidays, and even around weekdays or weekends, showcasing things that are important to us.

Daniel Willingham states, “Family traditions reveal what you value enough to repeat.  And, if done with love – build warm, happy associations.”  Over time, we have formed a number of family traditions that reveal our values of faith, love and importance of family.  They are connected with Christmas, summer vacations and school/sporting events.

OUR FAMILY TRADITIONS

Just thinking about Christmas brings about sweet memories.   I personally kick Christmas off by watching Hallmark Christmas shows…alone.  To this day I am teased about watching them.  Now, our daughter-in-law joins me.  The entire family watch the seasonal movies about the real meaning of Christmas.   The Saturday after Thanksgiving we decorate the Christmas tree with ornaments that have meaning… they were made by our children, represent a special event,  or was  given as a special gift. And, each year we purchase the White House ornament to hang on the tree.  

The big Christmas dinner takes place on Christmas Eve.  For dessert, we always have a birthday cake that has “Happy Birthday Jesus” written on it and we sing, Happy Birthday to Jesus and the Christmas Eve program at church is always in order.  

Each family member opens one gift.  The gift is always a pair of Christmas pajamas.  When the kids were little, I supplied and wrapped the Christmas Eve gift.  Now, we have a friend secretly assign each adult a Secret Santa and he/she is responsible for buying the pajamas for that person.  The parents buy and wrap pajamas for each of their children.  The highlight of the evening is when the gift is opened, starting from youngest to oldest, and the pajamas are modeled.  The funny thing is, you never know if your pajamas will be traditional or if they will be a gag gift.  It is so much fun and brings about laughter throughout the year.
Breakfast is very light on Christmas day and most of the day is spent opening gifts, watching the kids play with their toys and sometimes joining in with them.  Throughout it all, we remind each other of the true meaning of the season and why it is important to us.  

We also have traditions tied to school and sporting events.  Some of our friends told us that they would pay their children for receiving good grades.  However, Dennis and I believe that the grades were their reward.  So, we would look at the report cards, talk about not just the things they did well but discussed how they thought they could improve.  We sealed it with a dinner out to celebrate the close of another marking period.

For the sporting events, all of us attended if the games did not conflict.  If there was a conflict, we would divide up and each child was represented by a family member-cheerleader.  And, we would arrange to meet up for lunch or dinner.  We spent time at dinner discussing how the games went, what could be done to improve etc.  The famous phrase that came out of these games was, “Talk about my game.”  And it is a phrase that is still used.

Like all families, we look forward to summers and many traditions center around being together and enjoying each other’s company.  We gather together for a week or so and a few things are always on the list of “things to do”.   One day is set aside for a big water fight using balloons and water guns.  Another day we leave early, travel to our favorite amusement park and spend the day on rides, playing games and eating all sorts of junk food and yes, this includes cotton candy.  More often than not, we are there until the park closes.  Another “must do” is a series of games of laser tag. We go to our local Laser Tag Game Store, and play several very competitive games of Laser Tag.  The winner is always photographed and a big deal is made of it.  The important thing is that it was a legitimate win.  We never wanted the kids to think that they were getting something for nothing.  It was never, “Everyone wins” but it was always, “Everyone has a good time.”   When we moved out of the area, the first thing the grandchildren asked was, “What about our summer visits?  Believe me, the tradition continues with slight modifications even though we live in a different place. 

From each of these traditions, our children were learning values that were and are still important to us.  Daniel Willingham statement is true, “Family traditions reveal what you value enough to repeat.  And, if done with love – build warm, happy associations.”  Our traditions, are done with love, and has allowed our children and grandchildren to build warm, happy associations with family.