“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” Raising children is daunting at best. Do you remember the feeling you had when the delivery room nurse handed you your baby? Remember that sense of awe and overwhelming love? And as they prepared you for your discharge home, you realized that you have the complete responsibility for someone other than yourself…what she eats and drinks, when she eats and drinks, what she wears, her education, on and on…it is now completely up to you, her very survival depends on you, her parents.
If I ask you to prioritize your responsibilities regarding your child, you would probably find it difficult to rank order them. Oh, food and shelter would probably rank high on the list. But, after that, what would your list look like? And what about your role as teacher? What would you say is the most important thing that you should teach your child? I agree with Paul David Tripp, “The most important thing that a child could ever learn is the existence, character, and plan of God.” According to Doctor Charles Stanley, “Very early in your child’s life…introduce them to the fact that God has a plan for them.” In Deuteronomy 6:5-7 we read, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” I prayed that our children would become productive, independent citizens. I wanted them to love each other, help others, have successful careers, think for themselves and above all, love God with all their hearts and souls. In order for this to happen, Dennis and I had to take action, we had to lead our children to know and love God, we had to be diligent in leading our children to Jesus. We read Bible stories to them. We didn’t just send them to church, we took them. We used every day occurrences to introduce them to stories about Jesus. And, we prayed with them. Yes, raising children is a daunting task. However, we must remember that, “God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.” If God made you a parent, through adoption or birth, He will give you what you need to raise your child. You can be the parent God wants you to be. And, you can raise your child to love God and seek His plan for her life. You just need to seek Him and follow Him. He will not leave you nor forsake you. Remember, God always keeps His promises.
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“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words never harm me.” Remember hearing that as a kid? Or perhaps you have even said it. Well, words do hurt. In fact, although they don’t break bones, they can break a child’s spirit. And if the child’s love language is Words of Affirmation, it can be devastating. Ephesians 4:29 states, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” In other words, think before you speak to avoid hurting your child. What is your tone? When you speak to your child, it should be loving and comforting, not mean and hateful. Believe it or not, your child will remember the tone more than what you said.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. ~Proverbs 15:1 1. Don’t compare your child to anyone. It can be very painful for a child to hear you say, “Why can’t you be like Jody?” Or “Why do you have to be like you are.” Or, “Your brother would have done it right.” Comparing your child with others can break his spirit and can hurt his self-esteem. God made each of us unique. He doesn’t compare us, what gives us the right to compare anyone? You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex. ~Psalm 139:13-14 2. Don’t Accuse your child. Even if you know your child lied, don’t yell and call him a liar. It is best to state the facts and discuss the consequences. Use it as a teaching moment. The godly offer good counsel; they teach right from wrong. ~ Psalm 37:30 3. Don’t say things that you can’t carry through. “I am going to send you to live with someone else.” You know you have no intentions of doing it and it just serves to confuse your child. He’ll think you won’t carry through with other things you say. Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips. ~ Psalm 141:3 4. Don’t ask your child a question that you know the answer to but don’t want him to answer. Asking your child a question and then telling him to be quiet just serves to aggravate him and you. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. ~Psalm 19:14 5. Don’t be demeaning. Calling your child stupid, idiot, lazy or tell him that he can’t do anything right. It isn’t true, it’s hurtful and if you say it repeatedly, your child will start to believe it. Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged. Colossians 3:21 6. Don’t minimize your child’s feelings. Acknowledge his feelings, they are real to him. Children feel real hurt, real disappointment from their friends. Encourage them to talk but do not disregard their feelings. Wise words satisfy like a good me; the right words bring satisfaction. ~ Proverbs 18:20 7. Don’t give up on your child. It is normal to get upset, frustrated and aggravated and want to through your hands up when you’re stressed and the kids are exhibiting bad behavior. Whatever you do, don’t say things like, “I’m done”, “I’m through with you,’ or “I quit.” This hurts your child and he can feel like you no longer love him. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~ Romans 8:39 8. Don’t sink to your child’s level. If your child tells you that he hates you, don’t respond in kind or say something like, “I wish I had never had kids.” Those words are very harmful and could have lasting negative effects. Just let him know that you will always love him and nothing will ever change that. When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. Proverbs 10:19 9. Don’t exclude your child. If you are talking to an adult and your child comes in, introduce your your child as you would a friend, don’t ignore him. This teaches child politeness and makes him feel wanted. And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. Titus 2:7 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. ~ Ephesians 4:29 Words can hurt children. The wrong words, the wrong tone and the wrong body language can scar a child emotionally, can shatter a child’s self-image and can even turn him/her into an emotional cripple. You may be thinking that you would never say or do anything that could harm your child in that way. Unfortunately, more often than not, it is done unknowingly. The good thing is, God has given us just what we need in order to take care of His gift to us, our children. Below are some common situations that may require you to respond to your child and how you should respond based on scripture. Some of these can present a challenge especially when things are hectic. But remember, awareness and practice make a big difference. 1. Listen, do not interrupt your child. If you ask your child a question and you don’t like the path it is taking, do not interrupt. Interrupting negates his feelings and if done repeatedly, it could lead to low self-esteem. Afterward, affirm the conversation, but make sure it is sincere and honest.
Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips. ~ Psalm 141:3 2. When you have made a mistake say, “I’m sorry”. This teaches them how to apologize and how to take responsibility for their actions. “I’m sorry” can also serve as words of affirmation for your child. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:32 3. Limit when and how you tease your child. Children don’t think abstractly enough to get sarcasm, which relies on high-level reasoning. And, even the jokes they do get, can internalize them, resulting in negative effects. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. ~ Ephesians 5:4. Avoid worthless, foolish talk that only leads to more godless behavior. ~ 2 Timothy 2:16 4. Don’t overuse the word, “No.” Sometimes you have to say, “No.” However, if you say it too much your child will start to “turn you off.” The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; Proverbs 15:28a 5. Don’t yell or scream. Yelling makes children more aggressive, physically and verbally. Yelling is an expression of anger, scares children and make them feel insecure. Calmness, on the other hand, is reassuring, which makes children feel loved and accepted in spite of bad behavior. A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1-2 6. Eliminate the phrase, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Just think about what this is saying to your child! It sets up a contradiction between your words and your actions which can confuse a child. And it does not help them learn how to make choices. The godly offer good counsel; they teach right from wrong. They have made God’s law their own, so they will never slip from his path. Psalm 37:30-31 7. Don’t pressure him with expectations that are too high. Don’t tell him he will certainly make the team or that he will certainly get an “A” on the test because he studied. Instead, encourage him and after offer the appropriate praise. i.e. “I’m proud of you because you tried out.” Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. Proverbs 12:25 8. Don’t say things like, “you never” or “you always”. Speaking in absolutes is almost like not telling the truth because absolutes are not 100%. Use truthful statements. Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Proverbs 16:24 9. Avoid saying, “Because I said so.” Giving them a reason why something can or can’t be done will help them learn. It is best to be honest with them if there isn’t a reason. Furthermore, the “Because I said so” answer can cause resentment and lead to behavior problems. Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! Proverbs 15:23 10. Don’t exclude your child. If you are around other adults and your child is with you, introduce your child just as you would a friend. This teaches your child how politeness. And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. ~ Titus 2:7 Parents have an awesome responsibility raising children. God left us written instructions to show us how to take care of our children… His gift to us. It is up to us to let God’s Word guide the words we speak to our children. |