“Touch provides its own language of compassion, a language that is essential to what it means to be human.” If your child’s love language is Physical Touch, it means physical expressions communicate love to him more than Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts and Acts of Service. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, in their book, The 5 Love Languages of Children tell us that in order to keep your child’s emotional tank full, you must speak his primary love language but it is important to use them all. The body’s physical response to touch and the fact that Jesus healed people by touching them emphasizes to me the importance of touch. Physical Touch is a universal love language and no other form of communication is as universally understood as touch. “The compassionate touch of a hand or a reassuring hug can take away our fears, soothe our anxieties, and fill the emptiness of being lonely.” ~Randi G. Fine. PHYSICAL ASPECTS AND RESPONSE TO TOUCH The sense of touch gives our brains information about the environment. It helps us feel physical pain, helps us avoid injury, disease and danger. Touch also signals safety and trust. If we’re upset, it soothes us and it helps us feel emotion. Hugs are a powerful way to demonstrate the language of Physical Touch. In fact, a simple hug can activate oxytocin, the love hormone. Additionally, hugs may protect you against illness, boost your heart health and hugs make you feel happier. Studies done by Harry Harlow have shown that there is a psychological and physical stunting and even death in children who are deprived of physical contact. Infants can receive all the food needed to survive but will still fail to thrive if they don’t receive physical contact. This is why hospitals and orphanages have volunteers hold and cuddle babies who have no one to love them. The physical contact is needed for them to thrive. The Healing Touch Jesus performed countless miracles and some of them involved touching. To me, His HEALING TOUCH, emphasizes the importance of touch. I also want to stress that the person being healed had FAITH and believed Jesus could heal them. Let’s look at few of them. Matthew 9:29 Two blind men were following along behind Jesus asking Him to have mercy on them. They went right into the house with Jesus where He was staying. Jesus asked them if they believed He could make them see. They both answered, “Yes Lord, we do.” They had faith and Jesus TOUCHED THEM. Mark 1:41-42 A man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus begging to be healed. He said to Jesus, “If you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.” Moved with compassion, Jesus reached out His hand and HE TOUCHED HIM. And the man was healed. Mark 7:31-36 Someone brought a man with a speech impediment to Jesus and begged Jesus to lay his hands on the man to heal him. Jesus, spitting on his own fingers, touched the man’s tongue and looking up to heaven, he said, “Be opened.” And the man’s tongue was freed and he was able to speak. Why? Because of his faith and because Jesus TOUCHED HIM. Luke 8:43-48 Jesus was on his way to heal a man’s daughter and as usual, there was a crowd around him. A woman in the crowd had suffered for 12 years with constant bleeding. She went up behind Jesus and TOUCHED the fringe of his robe and she was immediately healed, the bleeding stopped. Jesus asked, “Who touched me?” Despite the crowd, Jesus knew that someone had deliberately TOUCHED Him. The lady explained why she touched him. And Jesus said that her faith had made her whole. Luke 18: 15-17 One day some parents brought their little children to Jesus so he could TOUCH them. But, when the disciples saw this, they scolded the parents for bothering Jesus. But Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” He took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and he blessed them. HE TOUCHED THEM! Doesn’t it stand to reason then that Physical touch is one of love’s strongest voices? The Love Language of Physical Touch Unfortunately, there is a sick, dark side to Physical Touch…and that is the inappropriate touch. Parents you MUST teach children that all touches are not good. Please, have this discussion with your child. It is needed in today’s world.
Margaret Atwood is right, she said, “Touch comes before sight, and before speech. It is the first language, and the last, and it ALWAYS tells the truth.” Teach your child to know the TRUTH in a touch. Think back to your childhood. Did your parents say, “I love you”? Did they hug you? How did you know they loved you? Was it just because they made sure you were fed, clothed and all of your other need were met? I knew that I was loved because my Father, Mother and my Grandmother “spoke” each of the love languages to me. My primary love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time. I scored the same on both. Interestingly enough, the fondest memories I have as a child are the times we spent as a family watching Westerns. Every Friday night we sat around watching TV and eating snacks my mom made. To this day, I love Westerns and enjoy them even more when my husband or one of our kids watch them with me. Another fond memory is sitting with my Grandmother during a thunderstorm. During a thunderstorm everything was turned off and we had to sit quietly. My Grandmother and I would sit and watch the weeping willow tree in our front yard sway back and forth. Just sitting with her, watching that huge weeping willow tree sway back and forth spoke my love language…quality time. I don’t remember hearing the words, “I love you” but they probably were spoken. The important thing is, I knew I was loved because my primary love language was spoken and ALL the other love languages were met. As you might imagine, hugs and kisses are the usual and most common way to speak the love language of Physical Touch. If you didn’t receive a lot of hugs growing up, you might feel awkward hugging your children. And if you do, I suggest you do what is needed to start hugging your child. But, if this is you, while you are adjusting to this new way of speaking your child’s primary love language, there are other ways to show love through Physical Touch. Other ways to meet your child’s Physical Touch need (you can find a list of needs in the book The 5 Love Languages of Children: 1. Hold hands 2. A gentle pat on the back or smoothing the hair down 3. Hold your child or sit close when watching TV 4. Read your child a book and let him or her sit on your lap. 5. Dancing 6. High five 7. Tickling In their book, Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell stress the importance of avoiding corporal punishment and threats with this child. They suggest using other means of discipline for a child whose primary love language is Physical touch. Not speaking your child’s Primary love language is like eating just one type of vegetable. At some point, your body will miss certain nutrients and you will start to crave other foods. Likewise, if you don’t include your child’s primary love language, he or she will crave it and may even start to act out. Remember, your child needs you to love him/her using ALL of the love languages. But, if Physical Touch is his primary language, you want to make sure it is included and used in your tool bag of love.
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Family traditions counter alienation and confusion. They help us define who we are; they provide something steady, reliable and safe in a confusing world. Traditions are usually formed around a person’s core beliefs and support values such as freedom, faith, integrity, a good education, personal responsibility and a strong work ethic. Traditions are based around daily events or holidays, and even around weekdays or weekends, showcasing things that are important to us. Daniel Willingham states, “Family traditions reveal what you value enough to repeat. And, if done with love – build warm, happy associations.” Over time, we have formed a number of family traditions that reveal our values of faith, love and importance of family. They are connected with Christmas, summer vacations and school/sporting events. OUR FAMILY TRADITIONS Just thinking about Christmas brings about sweet memories. I personally kick Christmas off by watching Hallmark Christmas shows…alone. To this day I am teased about watching them. Now, our daughter-in-law joins me. The entire family watch the seasonal movies about the real meaning of Christmas. The Saturday after Thanksgiving we decorate the Christmas tree with ornaments that have meaning… they were made by our children, represent a special event, or was given as a special gift. And, each year we purchase the White House ornament to hang on the tree.
The big Christmas dinner takes place on Christmas Eve. For dessert, we always have a birthday cake that has “Happy Birthday Jesus” written on it and we sing, Happy Birthday to Jesus and the Christmas Eve program at church is always in order. Each family member opens one gift. The gift is always a pair of Christmas pajamas. When the kids were little, I supplied and wrapped the Christmas Eve gift. Now, we have a friend secretly assign each adult a Secret Santa and he/she is responsible for buying the pajamas for that person. The parents buy and wrap pajamas for each of their children. The highlight of the evening is when the gift is opened, starting from youngest to oldest, and the pajamas are modeled. The funny thing is, you never know if your pajamas will be traditional or if they will be a gag gift. It is so much fun and brings about laughter throughout the year. Breakfast is very light on Christmas day and most of the day is spent opening gifts, watching the kids play with their toys and sometimes joining in with them. Throughout it all, we remind each other of the true meaning of the season and why it is important to us. We also have traditions tied to school and sporting events. Some of our friends told us that they would pay their children for receiving good grades. However, Dennis and I believe that the grades were their reward. So, we would look at the report cards, talk about not just the things they did well but discussed how they thought they could improve. We sealed it with a dinner out to celebrate the close of another marking period. For the sporting events, all of us attended if the games did not conflict. If there was a conflict, we would divide up and each child was represented by a family member-cheerleader. And, we would arrange to meet up for lunch or dinner. We spent time at dinner discussing how the games went, what could be done to improve etc. The famous phrase that came out of these games was, “Talk about my game.” And it is a phrase that is still used. Like all families, we look forward to summers and many traditions center around being together and enjoying each other’s company. We gather together for a week or so and a few things are always on the list of “things to do”. One day is set aside for a big water fight using balloons and water guns. Another day we leave early, travel to our favorite amusement park and spend the day on rides, playing games and eating all sorts of junk food and yes, this includes cotton candy. More often than not, we are there until the park closes. Another “must do” is a series of games of laser tag. We go to our local Laser Tag Game Store, and play several very competitive games of Laser Tag. The winner is always photographed and a big deal is made of it. The important thing is that it was a legitimate win. We never wanted the kids to think that they were getting something for nothing. It was never, “Everyone wins” but it was always, “Everyone has a good time.” When we moved out of the area, the first thing the grandchildren asked was, “What about our summer visits? Believe me, the tradition continues with slight modifications even though we live in a different place. From each of these traditions, our children were learning values that were and are still important to us. Daniel Willingham statement is true, “Family traditions reveal what you value enough to repeat. And, if done with love – build warm, happy associations.” Our traditions, are done with love, and has allowed our children and grandchildren to build warm, happy associations with family. “The more you love your children, the more they learn to love others.” Love is a powerful emotion and is necessary in the growth and development of children. Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs lists love after food and security. Studies have shown that love makes your child physically healthier, increases your child’s brain development and it makes your child less fearful and more well-rounded. In fact, all aspects of a child’s development require a foundation of love. The question then is, how do you ensure that your child feels loved? Is telling your child everyday that you love her enough? According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages of Children, “Every child has a primary language of love, a way in which he or she understands a parent’s love best.” Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages are: 1) Physical Touch 2) Words of Affirmation 3) Quality Time 4) Gifts and 5) Acts of Service. Your child will benefit from all five ways of receiving love. However, knowing your child’s primary love language will help you become more effective in meeting her emotional need for love. Each of the five love languages have actions, ways of communicating, as well as things to avoid. The child who’s love language is Physical Touch wants hugs, pats on the back, sitting close, cuddling and even wrestling on the floor. This love language is mostly non-verbal and pleasant facial expressions communicate love to her. Furthermore, is important to avoid corporal punishment and threats with this child. The child who’s love language is Words of Affirmation appreciates receiving written cards and letters. The best way to communicate love to her is to speak encouraging words and compliment her. Emotionally harsh words and undue criticism should be avoided. If your child’s love language is Quality Time, spend extra time with her. Running errands, taking trips, going on walks or even just sitting and talking makes her feel loved. She will enjoy quiet times without interruptions as well as one on one conversations. For this child, avoid too much time with friends or groups and of course, avoid isolating her. If Gifts is your child’s love language, she enjoys both giving and receiving gifts. She remembers special occasions. Private gift giving communicates love to her. Forgetting special events is something to avoid with the child who’s love language is Gifts. A child with the love language of Acts of Service enjoys assisting with chores and helping whenever she can. Communicating love to her is a matter of asking, “What can I do for you?” She also wants to know how she can help you. She feels unloved if you break promises or ignore her. I can’t possibly do justice to the subject of love languages in this BLOG Post. And, because this is such an important subject, I highly recommend The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. There is a survey in the book that will help you discover your child’s love language. It is important to speak all five love languages to your child. However, your child will crave one language more than the others. If you know the primary language and incorporate them all, your child will feel loved and will be able to love others. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. |